A MAN OF SUBSTANCE: THE LADIES’ CHOICE

Traditionally, the woman’s place has always been the kitchen. Kitchen here symbolizes many things; basically, the kitchen symbolizes service-cooking and serving. From our holy books, it is clear that women are to be obedient and submissive to their husbands and most importantly, to take care of their children. As Africans, this belief or tradition permeates every aspect of our lives and has been the theme of our society and cultures; The Man’s World.

The man is the head of the house and as the breadwinner is ultimately responsible for providing food, shelter, clothing and protection for his wife/wives and children. The woman is responsible for the maintenance of the household; cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. Any woman who fails to meet any of these standards and more is often branded as lazy, a bad wife, a bad mother, selfish, etc. Most often, such women are either verbally or physically abused by spouses and family especially in-laws.

As a result of our cultural role for women in society, most families did not see the need for girls/women to receive formal education when education was introduced in Africa since all that women needed to know about housekeeping could be learnt at home with their mothers. The girl-child was left at home, in the kitchen whiles their male siblings were sent to school. Through extensive education, persuasion, prayers, or perhaps through globalization and acculturation, people came to see the need for the girl-child to receive formal education. Currently, all can attest to the importance and the role of girl-child and women education in our society although as expected, some people are still ignorant of this.

With all that has happened however, there still is one important issue that needs to be addressed. We often watch various television programmes, read of, or even listen to the radio and hear all the qualities most men outline in choosing a prospective partner/wife. A woman who can clean, wash, keep the house tidy, cook, and quite recently, one who can contribute to the maintenance of the household, monetarily and for some men, one who has good education and job. The demands are so many one sometimes wonders if this particular woman is supernatural. There is nothing wrong having a preference when it comes to relationships and marriage after all it is for better or for worse.

In our African society, when it comes to the choice of a partner for a women, the criterion is one, who can cater for her needs, which boils down to money; a man who has enough money to cater for his wife/wives. As to the social or psychological aspects, importance is not attached. The question now becomes: What about the woman? Has she no qualities for a prospective husband equivalent to the man’s or society’s expectations of her? Does she also have no dream-man? Is it only the woman who has to be ideal or perfect as society wills or demands of her? 

In truth, every lady also has her dream man. Just as most men envision a woman who can wash, clean, cook, iron perhaps even feed, bath and clothe them, a lot of women also yearn for men with such qualities or capabilities.

In the Ghanaian society and even beyond, most men have been brought up to be lazy. In our various homes, a lot of our young men are brought up to raise no finger. They idle at home whiles the females do all the household chores. Their only household chore is eating, playing and sleeping. Some men cannot do anything for themselves and so their wives end up being the victims of this disability. There are some who cannot even boil water to consider cooking. Some cannot wash but know how to change clothes. Others are also very untidy. How on earth do we expect women to put up with all this?

These are real issues in many homes and consequently, most women are really suffering. Of course, society has made it a crime for the woman to falter or even complain but a norm for the man and so these women cannot complain for fear of being branded lazy and perhaps not submissive. There are some fundamentals every individual should be equipped with. We ought to be responsible for our lives in all that we do and childhood is the best stage to start this education. Any activity in line with good personal hygiene should be taught to all and sundry during childhood e.g. washing and cleaning. Food is a basic necessity for life and so learning how to cook is no crime. Our clothes are a greater part of us than anything else; learning or knowing how to wash your own clothes is no crime. If cleaning ensures good hygiene, then there lies no misdemeanor in teaching the boy child general cleaning.

What becomes of a basic family unit in the event of the wife/mother’s absence if the husband/father cannot even locate a cup, source pan, plate, beverages, broom, and other essential household items in his own home since the woman has always been responsible for these things? If this man cannot even boil water, lace his own shoes, wash, etc, what happens? What happens to the children?

Some men do not know how to fold their clothes or even pack their shoes and always leave them lying about the home carelessly. Some eat and leave the plate exactly where they ate and of course, as always, expect the woman to pick it up. What will happen if our men learn to do some of these things for themselves?

The woman is no supernatural being. She was created to be the man’s helper and not his slave. There are days and times she wishes for herself. There are days and times she wishes to be served. There are days and times she feels lazy, after all, laziness is a feeling and we all have feelings; there is nothing wrong with a woman feeling lazy at times. It is at such times and on such days that a serviceable man, a true helper is really appreciated and not the lazy and nagging type. To our men folks, that is a reality! If your girlfriend, fiancé, or wife ran away or disappeared without any reason, this is a possible answer: You were too lazy!

Women also have their own dreams and not just men. Just as a man wants an ideal woman or a woman of substance, so does the woman wish for a man of substance and not just money as most men believe. The woman wants quality and not quantity; at least, the today’s woman. There is nothing wrong in a man cooking, washing, cleaning or even going to the market for his wife especially when she is indisposed. Contrary to what most people say or what our culture depicts, those are really admirable and respected qualities/gestures; something most women will be appreciative of. In the African world, such men are ridiculed; that is rather unfortunate. If any woman fails to appreciate and respect such qualities in her man, she is undeserving of such a person. For the men who ridicule friends who have been brought up with such good qualities, be envious and learn from them.

A lot of men can attest to the usefulness of being self-sufficient both at work and even at home especially in the kitchen. For those who cook, clean, wash and even bath their children, kudos to them all!

Manliness is not just about money or ego, it is about taking charge in all situations and that includes helping in the house especially when the woman is overwhelmed by the household chores.

There are some men who do nothing in their marital homes apart from the housekeeping money. As soon as they return from work, they expect to find food on the table. As to whether the wife is swelled with other household chores is no business of theirs. Marriage is about compromising, a partnership or agreement to coexist in harmony. For this harmony to exist, responsibilities have to be shared. In a world now, where most women have to work and combine all these household chores single-handedly, it becomes a challenge. Ultimately, the marriage and children suffer.

As much as possible, let us try to bring up the boy child to be more serviceable at home. Teach the child the way he should grow and he will never depart from it. Education is not just about books, it is a holistic and integrated approach to life and good living. Life is about give and take and not always giving. Women have made a lot of sacrifices in the past and still do. Women always seem to be the ones giving out. It would be great if our men can reciprocate. It is not about the money, it is about being serviceable or helpful at home.